My life is such a farce. Or, should I say, my relationships are a farce.
I constantly bounce between wanting everything to be over, and wanting to actually experience my future.
I am pretty much emo. On the inside. But the thing is, I honestly don't understand how I get in to situations like this. I am tired of being the last resort, and I don't know what to do about it.
There will ALWAYS be someone, or something better than me, that is more important than me, no matter who I'm dealing with. Friends, family, it still happens.
I have 'friends' who decide to flake on plans without even having the decency to tell me about it, or who wait until the last possible minute to tell me 'oh yeah, I'm busy that day.'
And yet, I am the one who always has to make the plans, so they have an easy out 'Oh, well that was the day that worked for you, not me really.'
And that is how it goes.
I am never good enough, and it doesn't matter how hard I try to change that. I am that one person in the group of friends that everyone invites along because they feel guilty, or they need one more person to make an even group. I have to make the plans because no one makes plans with me otherwise. I know that there is probably a reason for this, that I have done something wrong, or to offend or annoy them, but here's the rub: NO ONE ever tells me what I have done wrong, so I never know how to fix it. I don't know how to become that friend that you can't wait to tell about what happened at work, or show your favorite song to.
So instead, I get to sit at home and write blog posts about how horrible my life is. I know it's not actually that horrible, but I am tired of this shit. So fucking tired of being the throwaway friend. And it sucks to think that's all I'll ever be, but with my history, that's probably the case. I honestly don't think that I will have anyone care about me as more than someone to turn to when they're bored and everyone else is busy.
I would do pretty much anything for my friends, and it just sucks to know that I have not one friend that would do the same for me. And if I do, they are doing a pretty damn good job of hiding it until the right moment.

And then there's my family. We will make plans, I will change my work schedule, take time off, and then at the last minute, 'Oh, I don't feel like going.' or 'It might snow, so we're not going to go this week.' Fucking right it might snow, we live in Alberta, for Christ's sake! You could use that as an excuse until JUNE and it would still work. But the thing is, I've already rearranged my work schedule, and gotten time off, so now, I'm fucked for hours and I will be poor. Thanks for that.
Or, I will piss them off for no reason at all. I have spent 23 years getting the silent treatment from my father for one thing or another. 23 years, and I still don't know what makes him angry. I just know that he is always angry at me, and will be nice to my sister and my dog. But I have wronged him in some way, so I don't get the luxury of being talked to, or even being treated like a human. To him, I'm just some background noise that can do dishes and make him supper. And my mother. I have always, always felt like an incovenience to her. Before I could drive, when I would ask if I could hang out with friends, the answer would always be 'No, I don't feel like driving you.' And when I got a job, 3 days a week, she got mad because she had to drive me, and yet, I haven't heard her complain once about driving my sister to her job, that she has 3-4 days a week. We have always had a rocky relationship, and I have honestly given up trying to make her like me. I will never be a good enough daughter for her, and the TV will always win out when I'm trying to talk to her.
My sister, well I'm just an annoyance to her, and she can't wait till I'm gone. Example: I tell my sister that I love her almost every day, and try to give her a hug. I do this one day and she tells me 'GO BACK TO ENGLAND.' And while she may not always have a remark like that, she generally doesn't talk to me, or ignores me when I talk to her, or acts like I am the biggest annoyance in her life.
Sounds overdramatic, yes, but think about this. When asked to write about my favorite childhood memory in an English class, I made mine up because I honestly can't remember anything from my childhood (16 and under) that doesn't involve me crying, fighting with someone, or getting hit. So I don't think I'm being overdramatic, I think I'm being honest.